I don't quite know how to start this post, so I guess I'll just jump into it. I know that I have said all this before, but the hardships have not stopped. Nor have the episodes which have been triggered by this stuff.
I hate my life right now.
Now, having Bipolar is problem enough. It's something I have had to learn to deal with. And for the most part, I do okay.... Except that recently, my management strategies don't seem like enough to keep the break downs away... And I'm very discouraged about that.
But it's more than just Bipolar now. We still have debt from trying to pay off my husband's cancer. That's hard. My father-in-law died. That's hard. My mother-in-law has Alzheimer's, and we were left to care for her for a solid 6 months. That's hard. My husband is losing his job and is being put in a job that doesn't fit him (they decided to keep finding work for him until he finds a new job on his own- which is very generous... But it's not him.) That's hard. My Dad has cancer (which is hard enough to emotionally process), but there's some difficulty getting the insurance to pay for his treatment. That's hard. And my mom leaves almost every day to care for her dad, who has dementia, and lately, having other physical difficulties come up. That's hard.
There is a lot of stress in my home environment right now- and not by anyone's fault. Having Bipolar on top of everything we've been slammed with makes it almost impossible to avoid my bursts of irritability, an anxiety attack, or a full blown episode.
I'm doing the best I can, but today, I feel hopeless and forgotten.
I feel burnt out, lost, and hurt. I feel abandoned and overworked. I feel stretched too thin and completely invisible. I feel tired, bogged down, and left to rot. I'm not sure how many tears I have cried just in the last 2 weeks. I'm exhausted. And I can't even tell how much of it is Bipolar, and how much of it would be the same for someone without a mental illness.
Why? I mean, why bipolar? Fine. Why even a death? Okay. Life sucks. But really? Seriously. I know that having diffulty in life is what keeps us humble- but do I need that much dose of humble pie? I'm already doubting my ability to do anything- including this blog... Why can't we move on? Why can't my dad get a phone call saying that insurance will cover his surgery? Why can't my management work? Why can't my girls get potty trained already? Why do I have to carry so many hard things when I can barely even walk?
I hate it when people say this, but it's how I feel right now: It isn't fair! I know of a lot of people that just seem to have the picture perfect life. They have their house, and their kids, and their health, and the biggest thing they have to complain about is getting their kids to bed on time.
I'm jealous. And all I can think to say is-
I really wish I had your problems... Or comfortable lack of problems.
I guess what I get from all this is that there are people really suffering out there- for whatever the reason, or PILE of reasons. And then aside from the problems themselves, there is the amount of worry and stress that come with it. Not to mention the emotional perception and baggage that also tends to build up during hard times (with or without a mental illness).
So- is that what I am to get from all this? Compassion? I get it. Never emotionally mess with someone who is having a hard time. They do enough of that on their own. You know what I really need? Friends. A shoulder to cry on. Don't give me advice- give me support.
Cuz, I'm telling you- I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I put on a strong face, but I'd really like to feel visible. I'm doing the best I can, people... But that doesn't mean you should walk away.
You know that feeling when you're weight lifting- and you have too much weight? And you've pushed it to it's limits? Your arms and legs are already shaking, but your trainer tells you to keep that extension- hold it- you can't put it down yet? It brings your whole body to a feeling of weakness and inadequacy. And you have no way of pacing yourself... Because you don't know how long you're expected to keep it to it's full extension?
Yeah... That's kind of how this feels. (Except you also need to add that the arm or leg is already broken and still expected to hold the weight.)
Okay- if you've come this far in reading- you have to know; I DON'T want advice. I DON'T want pity. I mostly just needed this management outlet (writing) to help me release a little bit of that tension and stress. And now you have a peek into my emotional world.