I did it. I finally reached a decision that I feel 100% comfortable with. And I am getting started right away- this week- maybe even by tonight. But first, I want to express one of, if not THE driving force behind this whole saga.
I think I was already thinking about finding a job and getting myself out of the house. I was looking up jobs on pinterest and came across an article from Bipolar Magazine. It said something about holding a job when you have bipolar, so I clicked on it and started reading. It didn’t take long before the point of the article jumped out at me (let me paraphrase): Many people with Bipolar let the stigma hold them back and not try to do what they love. They let themselves believe they are not capable of working. If you haven’t heard this yet, let me be the first to tell you; YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING, including working in a field you enjoy.
I have worked before- doing things I have enjoyed. But somehow, I let the last few years convince me that nobody wanted to work with me because of my Bipolar difficulties and setbacks. I even let those working years tell me that I still wasn’t good enough or capable, and that someone is always better than me at doing what I want to do- so why bother trying?
But there was something about this article that pulled me out of it. Just because I have a brain difference that changes how I interact with the world doesn’t mean that I can’t interact at all…. I just need to interact differently.
As I took step after step at trying to figure out more than just how or if I can work, I started asking myself about my dreams. What have I always wanted to do? And what do I want to do now?
I knew what I didn’t want, and that was to allow myself to take a back seat anymore. If this article thought I could do it, then I’m going to believe it. It’s what I want to believe, anyway. And I’m not going to let anyone make up my mind, but me. I didn’t want to be home all the time anymore. And I didn’t want
Through this process, I learned that I wanted to explore who I am. I knew what I was okay at doing before, but I learned that I wanted something different- for my own sake. I learned that I wanted to learn something new. I think that’s why I kept gravitating to a degree, especially a terminal degree. But, I could never find the right one. I wanted something bigger than who I am now… and I think that’s why I drifted so far into grandiosity (a definite bipolar trait). I believe that if I had a more clear vision of what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be, a doctorate degree would be achievable… but since I was looking at a doctorate just to get a doctorate, for the recognition, and money, I decided as cool as that would be, they’re not good enough reasons for me.
I guess that’s not entirely true. I wanted a doctorate because of some research that I’ve wanted to do for years, but just never asserted myself. So let me give you the sum-up of my findings throughout this process:
WORK- I got a job as an office assistant and will work 2x a week.
LEARN NEW SKILL- I’m going to study web development and possibly turn that into a career (as a full stack developer… I already have my first client)
LONG-TIME DREAM- I will be doing my own research regarding the relationship between cognition and movement.
DREAM, cont.- I will share my research with various organizations, and possibly publish in their various journals. For more learning on my part, I plan to attend their conferences and network with other scholars and their research.
NEWSLETTER- don’t worry, you will not be forgotten. In fact, I’m toying with additional ideas to add to what I’m already offering.
All that to say, I have some goals now. I feel like I’m giving myself a better chance. And here’s to YOU:
YOU can do anything. Know yourself. Give yourself a chance. All those people, including yourself, who are telling you you are disabled? Tell them to go chew on a bone, because you can do anything. YOU can work. YOU can chase your dreams and accomplish great things. YOU can find your own way of doing YOU because you are AMAZING and deserve your best life. YOU are capable. What YOU want is important, too. You know you have limitations, but those limitations can be turned to stepping stones- taking you straight through the clouds. I believe in you. Don’t give up on YOU. YOU CAN DO ANYHING!