I frequently stuggle with my identity. I think Bipolar changes me so much with each episode that I forget who I am and who Harry is. (Harry is what I call my Bipolar- just to help me separate myself from the illness… it sometimes works). I’m up- I’m down- I hate myself- I think I’m okay. I mean, who am I really? I’m going through a lot of changes recently that I’m back to asking that same question. But I sort of wonder if it’s the same identity crisis that I have had time and time again… or something else. I rarely have been quite as pro-active about making changes in my life. I usually just get depressed about it for a couple weeks, give or take, until my mood decides to change again, and I find a reason or two to be okay with my life, and who I am.
This time, I’ve cleaned out about a third of my craft room, moved my office from the upstairs workspace to my craft room, so all my stuff is in one space. I’ve started losing weight- actually making changes to my diet and sticking with them. I am serious about this job search… I looked at jobs including skills I already have… but they don’t feel right. So, I am starting to explore new territory. I am looking at both part-time and full-time work, which is surprising me. Jake and I have started talking about “possibilities”. Maybe if I find something that I really like, or that I’m really good at, I can be the one to work full-time, and Jake can focus on his freelance writing at home.
What can I say- there is a strong desire for change in my life right now, and I’m actually not afraid to pursue something new and different (partially with the hopes that my personal life won’t be as stuffed with Bipolar- and feel like an actual life) (yet knowing in the same breath that none of this is going to change the fact that I have bipolar. “Harry’s” effects and symptoms are not going to go away just because I change something.
Jake and I have played with the idea that perhaps this is a mid-life crisis. I just turned 40- I guess it’s a possibility. Since my moods/emotions are always all over the place anyway, it’s hard to tell if it’s any worse right now. And I always thought that you shouldn’t make changes if it was one made during a mid-life crisis; but if that is what I’m experiencing, I see no problem with making changes if they would help my identity be more complete, give me a sense of validation outside the home, or reminding me I can still learn and accomplish new things. That last one gets to me a lot. I don’t believe in myself very much anymore… but I’d like to.
Reframe: Harry doesn’t believe in me very much anymore, and he generally wins those conversations. But there is a part of me that does still believe in me, and I’d really like to encourage her.