I had a bit of a meltdown last night. Nothing big. But I guess I was saying irritable and even angry things to my husband all day. I didn’t see it till he pointed it out to me. He was right. Once I was aware of it, my brain quickly got more and more sensitive about it, until I lashed out verbally and disappeared from the family room to cry. No one understood me. It’s always my fault. Everything is always my fault. Even when I sometimes just can’t help it, I’m still the one to blame. And even though everyone in yesterday’s scenario knows I have Bipolar and that Bipolar and me are different, I’m still blamed. It’s always my fault. And it always hurts me, too.
After I figured that out, and I had my short, but violent cry locked up in my bathroom, I realized why this meltdown happened… I was trying to do too much… again. Ever since my niece stayed with us for a couple weeks, I have worked to keep it the same as if she was here: lots of activities, always something planned so no one would be bored, make dinner every night… yeah. Truth be told, I can’t do it. I can’t keep up with myself. I want so much for me and my family… and when I can do it successfully, I almost feel like a normal person living a normal life- something much closer to what I imagined my life to be.
But then I’m reminded I can’t. Bipolar slows me down. If I try to do as much as I’ve been doing, it triggers hypomania- which I love, of course, because it gives me energy to live the life I want. However, indulging in hypomania does what? Not only brings depression… it brings it faster and harder… and I’m stuck with depression… and even a terrible crash for the entire Fall and Winter. I keep thinking that I want to even out my energy in the summer so I can maybe have less depression in the fall… but I always get so excited that I have real energy in the Spring (well, halfway through), that I just jump at the chance of actually doing something.
And doing something else…
And doing something more…
And something more…
Until I’ve reached mid to end of summer, and I’ve used up my entire year’s quotient of energy… that now I can’t function at all for the rest of… well, till March at least.
I haven’t reached that full crash yet… but last night’s little meltdown reminded me about how delicate using this energy is.
But I NEED to have things to do. I get my validation through productivity, and I really rely on that to help me feel better about myself. You saw through just a few thoughts that my meltdowns introduce a whole slew of thoughts about how I’m less than… and though I try very hard to fight those thoughts… I just can’t when I’m tired. Giving myself validation and worth isn’t always possible for me, so I have to find it through other things… and people.
If I had my way, I would be able to exercise, write here, do something outside the house, create something, research something, and prepare all my healthy meals with a good attitude… Every. Single. Day. You know… I don’t even know if this is too much for a regular person… but it’s obviously too much for me. Even staggering these activities is too much. Even just one of these is sometimes too much. And most days, even just thinking about one of these things is too much… and I’m left again with those same thoughts of I’m not good enough… I’m worthless… I’m less than.
So, how do I get there? I want to feel like a normal human being and actually be productive during my day… and the only option I feel I have is to schedule MORE things during my day. You know, the management ones: meditations, hydration, grounding, etc… But the more of those I do, the less time I have to do normal daily activities that make me feel like a real human being.
So, apparently, there’s no solution. I just have to accept that I have Bipolar and that I don’t get to do as much in my day. I don’t want to accept that… not yet. Stupid Bipolar.