I remember the first time I woke up gasping for air- sure that I was about to die. The dream I was having was just like any other dream, and out of nowhere, it seemed to freeze and drag on for hours. The people that were in it all turned to me- staring at me like they knew something I didn’t… until I realized that my breath had stopped, and had been stopped for a while. I woke, sitting straight up in bed- scared for my life. I knew exactly what had happened, but I didn’t know why. I couldn’t go back to sleep that night. Thus began the saga that, despite progress, still continues to this day…
Sleep apnea is a disorder brought on mostly by age and obesity (I’m not that old, but I did put on a lot of weight previous to my discovery) where breathing can stop and start and stop again throughout the night. Naturally, your brain starts freaking out and wakes you up before you die. If left untreated, though, your brain starts to think these breathing patterns are normal and won’t wake you up as much. You can die from untreated sleep apnea. Though unlikely, it is possible.
I ain’t going out that way.
But it’s not just sleep apnea that makes my nights totally suck. I don’t sleep for a number of reasons. Mania wakes me up… Depression wakes me up… Anxiety wakes me up… Sleep apnea wakes me up… And I’m just now learning that what I eat and drink can also affect how… or if… I sleep.
Guys- I can’t figure it out.
I am treating apnea best I can. I have a CPAP machine, which is a mask you put over your mouth and nose, and it forces air through your passageways- keeping them open while you sleep. I have one. And it works well as long as all the tubes and straps don’t bother me. I’m a mouth breather, so I have to use a chin strap to keep my mouth closed while I am wearing a nose mask to get the air where it needs to go. Then there’s the straps for the nose mask to hold it in place. Then there’s a tube that comes from the nose mask to the machine. My machine sits on the floor to help take care of a humidity problem I frequently get with the tube… but in doing that the tube likes to pull towards the floor, thus pulling the mask off my face. The only way to hold it in place is to have covers on top of it… and you can’t change positions during the night or you have to get re-situated all over again, which can get really annoying. Not only do all the tubes and straps get annoying, they also act as triggers for my anxiety sometimes. It’s a feeling I get that I imagine feels a bit like claustrophobia. And though the machine is meant to give me more air, I feel as though I’m getting less. I get really antsy, and feel like I’m reaching out of a pool with all my limbs to get out of it. (And for those of you who have been reading, you know my feelings on being surrounded by water).
So, I thought it would be a good idea to get an oral appliance to cut out all the tubes and straps… AND have an easier solution for travel situations. We know for a fact, it works for sleep apnea (although I don’t feel as refreshed as I do when I’m able to wear the CPAP all night). But, every time I go back for a check up to make sure the appliance is working, I fill out this quiz that grades me to how tired I am on a daily basis… and it’s still a lot of tired.
I think I’ve done everything I can to help the sleep apnea. I believe that part is under control (except for maybe the weight part- that’s another story). My problem, I think, is the emotional part of sleep loss.
It’s obvious to me why mania (One part of Bipolar), or hypomania, (occurs more to those with type 2 Bipolar, a little less powerful, but still quite harmful) would interfere with a lack of sleep. My brain turns on and won’t shut up, not for anything, not for anybody… especially not for sleep. I think of about 20 projects I have to do right now, even if its 3am. Hypomania waits for no woman. When it’s in charge, you rarely have a say. It feels like a fire alarm goes off inside- I don’t know about you, but I can’t sleep when there’s an alarm going off.
Depression isn’t quite as clear to me. I understand, because I have read and doctors have said that depression interrupts sleep. I have had several nights when I cry instead of sleep… but I believe its more than that. There’s a sort of emptiness when I’m depressed. It’s possible to be depressed without feeling sad. I’ve had times where I’ve just been left alone in my head, completely isolated from everyone (whether there’s someone there or not has no bearing), when there is so much hollow space inside my soul that any sound of movement would echo endlessly… and loudly… and something about it would keep me wondering. Kind of like a horror movie- waiting for that scary moment… only without any emotion at all.
More likely, the depression keeps you awake because you didn’t move all day. If you expend no energy (I stay pretty much glued to one spot on the couch when I’m down), you’ll wind up with a body not ready to go to bed. I’m just shooting in the dark here…
Anxiety is a lot like that depression idea. Anxious energy gives me the “need to moves”. I shake or bounce my legs a lot. I pick at my skin if it’s not perfectly smooth. I can’t seem to settle on a comfortable position, whether that be before I go to sleep or at any time during the night. My brain will just tell me out of nowhere that I’m not comfortable, and I’ll have to move, only to be disappointed in my lack of comfort in another position.
Don’t even get me started on all the ways food and water can mess with sleep… and I’m only starting to learn in this area.
There are just so many ways my sleep can get screwed up. I’m tired all the time, so I know there is still something getting in the way. I’m quite worried about it. I used to have a brain worth being proud of- but since my sleep has been getting worse and worse regardless of what kind of management I throw at it, I’ve been getting “brain fog”, and probably even losing IQ points. I’ve lost my ability to communicate on the same plane as other people. I’ve lost confidence because of this.
This can NOT go on. I HAVE to resolve this. I need my stamina back. I need my confidence. I need to be able to think how I used to think.
I NEED SLEEP!!!